Last night was nice. A meaningful chat with someone I care for. A meaningful chat. Some walls were broken. It was difficult, but I missed having actual conversations and not just small chit chat with him. I am reminded of how special and dear he is to me and I to him. It makes me wonder… if he were actually here right beside me… would we even talk? Would we even associate with each other? I don’t think so. In real life, we are two completely different people that have different personalities on the outside. Our masks are vastly different. An actor and actress that have different stages with different audiences. I don’t care if society looks down on online relationships. To me, they are more precious. The friends I have made online are closer to me than anyone ever will be in the real world around me. I don’t care if it’s silly. I’m not wrong. If I, myself, feel that way, then it is that way for me. Others are in no position to tell me who I am to be close with or what kind of people I should interact with. Those that are precious to me, are precious and will always remain precious.
I understand that there is a difference with online friends and real-life friends. You can see and feel real-life friends, and online ones, you cannot. You can see more quirks a real person has, whereas online friends, you cannot. You might have an easier time to judge whether or not a person is “good” to you, but be “disillusioned” online. Online people may be different in real life. So what? Just because we are friends online doesn’t necessarily mean I am going to meet them and be all friendly. I fear meeting some in real life. Fearing that our friendship may change in the slightest way. The relationship I have with some people right now are fine the way they are. I have met people in real life that I originally met from a game, and I love them. It has been 9 years since I met them. We still meet a few times a year, despite living in different cities/islands. Our entire families have met. I have met others, too, and even live with one of them now. I know the people I am talking to. I understand the dangers.
However, does society understand that there are people who understand those dangers? Does society know that there are people who are careful and are used to what can happen online? I have never been disillusioned in terms of any sort of relationship online. I know where it is heading. I know the people I am typing to. Having a troubled past like mine, I do not trust people easily. I am quick to suspect people. I know it sounds terrible. It’s not going to change though. However, although I suspect people sometimes, I do not say anything until I have confirmed whether or not my suspicion is true or false. I take notice of even the smallest stuff about a person I meet and judge whether or not it’s “safe.” I don’t need society telling me to not trust people online. I do not trust real people or the people I meet online right away. Every person is different. There are incidents in where online relationships fail and end terribly with real life consequences, but not all are like that. The majority are not like that. Some people are deceived, some are not. Each person is different in how they judge others and form bonds with others.
To be quite honest, I feel a sense of comfort having the computer or whatever device between me and the other. I can be myself. I don’t have to worry about how I look, my strange quirks, or anything. I can be myself and enjoy their company, while being alone at the same time. I don’t need to hear their voice or see what the person looks like. Of course, it’s nice to be able to put a face to who I am typing to, or a voice and imagine they are speaking to me… but it’s not necessary.
If I feel closest to the friends I have met through games and what not, then they are the closest people to me. If people want to change that, then the people around me and myself will need to work harder. There’s no takers. No one has the right to tell me that the people I know in real life are closer to me. The people that tell me this obviously do not understand me or my feelings. If they did understand, they, too, would know that I care more for my online friends than anyone else in the world.
Sometimes I’m amazed how people can do things despite it being quite awkward (on a personal level).
I admit, I have experienced online/long-distant relationships. I understand if others find it strange and absurd, but I’m perfectly fine with them. Anyway, my first ex, out of the blue, messaged me on Facebook today. We’re not friends on Facebook. We haven’t even talked in 5-6 years. Not a single word. When we broke up, we said that we should remain friends even after everything that had happened. It didn’t work out. I was too weak to have the heavy weights of awkwardness hang on my body. I ended up blocking him on MSN and all the mutual friends, save the ones that were much closer to me, the ones I had before I met him. For a year, maybe even two, he would still email me every now and then, wishing me a “Happy Birthday” or “Merry Christmas,” but I never replied. I know. I’m horrible. I wanted to talk to him again (as “friends”); but as more and more time passed by, the more awkward it became, so I never did.
Now he has messaged me on Facebook. It’s been 5-6 years. I know he knows that I blocked him and everyone. I know he understands how I felt. I know, he too, felt awkward and probably still does right now. So, how? How was he able to overcome that? How can people do such brave things? I’m too mentally-weak. How hateful. I need to change. I need to become more confident. I want to be able to do what I want, without questioning myself and wondering what others think. Need to stop over-thinking things, but I can’t. There are always the “what if…” “what about..” “but…” “then what?” “why?” “how?” and everything else popping up. Again, how? How? How? People like him seem to shine. I know that he has had his share of pain, but he still somehow shines. How? What about me?