Classes ended last Friday. Yet, I still feel just as stressed, if not more. I am finally done the application for the exchange to Japan, but I can’t shake off that terrible feeling that I forgot something important. I’m missing something. I missed something somewhere. Where is it? Where’s that thing I need to white-out? Where’s that chunk that I noted to come back to but never did? I am going to get rejected because of some little mistake, I swear. I’ve already made so many mistakes with it. The application requires 6 passport photos enclosed in an envelope. There was a line after that that was shaded out. Me, being the stupid idiot that I am thought it was crossed out, so I paid no attention to it. So, I took 6 passport pictures standard North American-sized, costing me approximately thirty dollars. Later, I check the shaded part out again for whatever reason, and it clicks. It’s not shaded out… It’s highlighted. It only looks shaded out because it was printed black and white. Fuck.
My twenty page paper is due in 12 hours and I haven’t started. Going to have to hand it in late. Damn it. Why is everything due on the same day and so stressful with tons of things to do? Hate. I just need time off everything. Screw school. Screw work. Screw everything. Let me stay in my room under the blankets in the dark. Let me think things through and calm down. This anxiety has to pass. This beating heart needs to slow down. This tight feeling in my chest and gut needs to die. Stop everything. Stop my mind from taking everything too seriously and causing unnecessary stress. Please.
I am an observer. My eyes are stricken with an unquenchable thirst. My lips are meek and so I do not speak, but my mind never ceases to think. Every living creature is connected link by link, but I am bolted down by chains hammered with my very own hands. I do not see the way I wish to see, all seeing, when I am part of the connection. My eyes and mind crave something more. I am not part of the connection, I am an outsider. An observer.
I hate my own hypocrisy.
Yesterday was absolutely terrible. I cried my eyes out and they remained dry for the rest of the day and night. My throat was sore and my voice is harsh from all the screaming. Nervous breakdown followed by an asthma attack. I thought about running away from home again, but I stopped after thinking about my friend worrying about me because we have been talking every night for awhile now. It’d be strange to him if I wasn’t on tonight without letting him know. So, I decided to stay home and act if everything was okay. I wanted to act as if everything was normal and that I was smiling.
Yet, I wanted him to notice that I wasn’t alright. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t smiling and haven’t been for awhile. I tried to drop extremely discreet hints that something may have been wrong, but I always quickly covered them up with something stupid. How could I expect him to figure out with all my fake smiles? I know I’m a good actress. I knew he wouldn’t be able to know that I’m sad. Or is it depressed? I don’t know. I don’t want to be some conceited person and say I’m depressed if what I feel and think isn’t depression. Whatever, I don’t give a shit what to label it as. I just wanted him to know. Yet, at the same time, I don’t want him to know that I’m not what I used to be years ago.
I hate my own hypocrisy. Do I even know what I want? I don’t think I do anymore. I just want things to end. How nice it would be of one’s existence could be erased whenever desired because simply dying isn’t enough. Death leaves too much behind. Then again, I still want to have left something behind… a literary work of some sort. Any. I want proof that I was alive. I need that proof to know that me, Cecille, was actually here. Hypocrite. I want to erase my existence and make it so that “Cecille” was never born. I want to leave something behind that will live on and carry my name after death. Hypocrite. I didn’t want to worry him or let him know how I have been feeling for so long. I want to drop hints and let him ask me if I am alright and comfort me. Hypocrite.
Some might tell me that I should just let him know how I have been feeling, but sometimes some things are better left unsaid. Whether or not he knows, he will always be a precious friend. Bottle it up, twist it tight. Swallow. Wipe. Curve the lips upward. “Smile.”
I keep rubbing my eyes because they feel dried out.
I understand you’re worried and scared… BUT FUCK, DON’T JUST COMPLETELY CRUSH MY DREAM. I know the risks. I’ve been following the news and more. I’ve been talking to several of people here and there about it. I’ve been discussing it with scholars. I’ve been looking up the scientific facts and numbers. YOUR WORRY IS BASELESS. The news pretty much ALWAYS blows things out of proportion, causing UNNECESSARY worry. If the risk was even remotely worrisome, I wouldn’t want to go still. BUT THE RISK IS PRETTY MUCH NIL IN THAT CITY. I know several people who are still going. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don’t care if I’m cursing a lot. Stop crushing my only dream. Fuck right now and everyone.
I wish I had a way with words like some of the people I follow do.
Some of them seem to be able to truly describe how they feel and I’m just sitting here, saying the same words, same phrases, over and over again.
Last night was nice. A meaningful chat with someone I care for. A meaningful chat. Some walls were broken. It was difficult, but I missed having actual conversations and not just small chit chat with him. I am reminded of how special and dear he is to me and I to him. It makes me wonder… if he were actually here right beside me… would we even talk? Would we even associate with each other? I don’t think so. In real life, we are two completely different people that have different personalities on the outside. Our masks are vastly different. An actor and actress that have different stages with different audiences. I don’t care if society looks down on online relationships. To me, they are more precious. The friends I have made online are closer to me than anyone ever will be in the real world around me. I don’t care if it’s silly. I’m not wrong. If I, myself, feel that way, then it is that way for me. Others are in no position to tell me who I am to be close with or what kind of people I should interact with. Those that are precious to me, are precious and will always remain precious.
I understand that there is a difference with online friends and real-life friends. You can see and feel real-life friends, and online ones, you cannot. You can see more quirks a real person has, whereas online friends, you cannot. You might have an easier time to judge whether or not a person is “good” to you, but be “disillusioned” online. Online people may be different in real life. So what? Just because we are friends online doesn’t necessarily mean I am going to meet them and be all friendly. I fear meeting some in real life. Fearing that our friendship may change in the slightest way. The relationship I have with some people right now are fine the way they are. I have met people in real life that I originally met from a game, and I love them. It has been 9 years since I met them. We still meet a few times a year, despite living in different cities/islands. Our entire families have met. I have met others, too, and even live with one of them now. I know the people I am talking to. I understand the dangers.
However, does society understand that there are people who understand those dangers? Does society know that there are people who are careful and are used to what can happen online? I have never been disillusioned in terms of any sort of relationship online. I know where it is heading. I know the people I am typing to. Having a troubled past like mine, I do not trust people easily. I am quick to suspect people. I know it sounds terrible. It’s not going to change though. However, although I suspect people sometimes, I do not say anything until I have confirmed whether or not my suspicion is true or false. I take notice of even the smallest stuff about a person I meet and judge whether or not it’s “safe.” I don’t need society telling me to not trust people online. I do not trust real people or the people I meet online right away. Every person is different. There are incidents in where online relationships fail and end terribly with real life consequences, but not all are like that. The majority are not like that. Some people are deceived, some are not. Each person is different in how they judge others and form bonds with others.
To be quite honest, I feel a sense of comfort having the computer or whatever device between me and the other. I can be myself. I don’t have to worry about how I look, my strange quirks, or anything. I can be myself and enjoy their company, while being alone at the same time. I don’t need to hear their voice or see what the person looks like. Of course, it’s nice to be able to put a face to who I am typing to, or a voice and imagine they are speaking to me… but it’s not necessary.
If I feel closest to the friends I have met through games and what not, then they are the closest people to me. If people want to change that, then the people around me and myself will need to work harder. There’s no takers. No one has the right to tell me that the people I know in real life are closer to me. The people that tell me this obviously do not understand me or my feelings. If they did understand, they, too, would know that I care more for my online friends than anyone else in the world.
A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT IN FUKUMI, JAPAN EXPLODED AT 4:30 AM TODAY. IF IT RAINS TOMORROW OR LATER, DON’T GO OUTSIDE. IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE, BE SURE THAT YOU HAVE RAIN PROTECTORS. IT’S ACID RAIN. DON’T LET IT TOUCH YOU. YOU MAY BURN YOUR SKIN, LOSE YOUR HAIR OR EVEN GET CANCER. REBLOG TO LET EVERYONE KNOW.
Guys… don’t believe such stupid fake crap. It didn’t happen; “Fukumi” isn’t even a city (apparently it’s little village). There is no acid rain threatening all of Asia. Whoever started this rumor is a insensitive ass.